The sun peaks out after a dreary day

It seems I have finally decided it's time to get some of this stuff down in black and white before I go nutty with my thoughts!

I find myself going through my own personal history as I stand in support of a friend who is at the very beginning of what is going to be a major divorce. Having been through divorce myself, I am hurled back in time to what I know has made me a stronger person. Yet, there are feelings and emotions that linger no matter how much you wish they wouldn't. Prayer does help but yet, there's always that inner fight...especially when there are arrangements such as shared custody to be endured, child support to worry about, the introduction of stepparents...to mention just a few.

I guess the first emotion I can readily address is anger. Doggone it but I wish things were different! Maybe not the marriage ending-is it the fact that it failed at all? That two people couldn't resolve issues, no matter what, for the innocent children in the mix? Am I so pissed at him for his double-standards: "I will live how I wish after our divorce but YOU must adhere to a standard that I set forth 'in the best interest of the children'"? Am I pissed at myself for the mistakes that I made both during and after the marriage? OR is it all of the above and more??

I guess, certainly, I can tell you that the double standards don't sit well with me. How dare you tell me when and who to date?! How dare you inquire about my private life?! How dare you act like I am a bad parent when during the marriage you didn't care to parent at all, did your own thing, and left the raising of the children to me?!! How dare you marry someone else who, without shame, has pointed her finger at me to MY children and called me a bad parent?! You inserted this person in my children's lives, put it upon her to raise MY kids so you could play and now that she's over your bullshit you drag them through a divorce that I can't shield them from the way I shielded from things in ours!! I can't tell you how angry I am that because she has gotten tired of your garbage you NOW come to me and tell me about your poverty and your inability to pay child support as ordered. Why must the kids always be the losers? Keep your stupid money but you better make sure those kids don't lose out AGAIN because of your actions. And speaking of losing out...better table this for now before they get home from school!